Groups

Making Motherhood Less Lonely

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sarahall
Sara Hall has spent the past ten years teaching Spanish to students in Kindergarten through college. Along the way, she has traveled abroad, filled her spare time with side jobs and summer gigs, and given life to two incredible boys. Due to feeling like she’d hit rock bottom, she has now embarked on a journey to mental, physical, and emotional wellness.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Yet, motherhood tends to feel like one of the absolute loneliest and most isolated places for a woman who is trying to manage keeping another human alive, maintaining a home, and keeping herself healthy all at the same time. Sometimes it is challenging enough to remember to take a shower, let alone worry about adding more to our plates by scheduling visits with other people and playdates with our infants who can barely stay awake. 

We are also under the stress of society telling us that we are meant to have it all figured out. The hardest part is that we are already inside our own heads overthinking everything we are doing wrong and then a commercial comes on showing the mom whose house is immaculate and whose baby is reading novels in Latin. Then on social media we see our high school classmates off on vacations with their children in matching swimsuits and their husbands wearing the newborns. 

We are constantly comparing ourselves with other parents and then being overly critical when we don’t quite meet the unrealistic expectations we have set for ourselves. Since we are so down about not quite measuring up, we then isolate ourselves, feeling unworthy or inadequate. Then those debilitating feelings lead to feeling guilty that we don’t just express gratitude for the wonder we do have in our lives. The danger of feeling so alone only perpetuates this cycle.

So if it takes a village, how do we build that village when we already feel so alone?

Where can we look for people who don’t make us feel inadequate and are not judging us for not having it altogether? First of all, no one has it altogether. The people who seemingly do are certainly facing battles that we cannot see. So let’s drop that nonsense! Take these steps to build your village and surround yourself with the love and joy you need-only escaping to the isolation of your own little island when you truly want time to yourself.

If you’re lucky, you’ll meet a mom who has mastered the art of bringing new moms into her circle and be able to form mutual friendships. If you have not yet met that mom, guess what? You can be that mom! Here’s how…

  1. Family–If you have healthy relationships with your family, they can support you in many ways. If they are not able to babysit while you get some quality time in with your new mom friends, maybe they can help you take care of some light housework or cook a meal or two for you and your family. These tasks help lessen your load so that you can focus on building meaningful relationships with your new crew. 
  2. Children’s activities–If you have an older child in school or daycare, organize a playdate outside of school. Better yet–organize a coffee date just for you and the other parents! You could also chat with parents before, during, or after gymnastics, music classes, Mommy and me yoga, etc. If you do not go to any activities yet, check out your local library or bookstore for story times that even infants can attend. Wherever children are, there are parents who want to socialize with you!
  3. Gym–After Zumba®, on the treadmill, walking laps around the park, whatever it is you do to get your heart rate up–first of all, GOOD FOR YOU! Now go ahead and use those opportunities to connect. Some people want to be alone while they work out, and that’s ok too. Just don’t waste any opportunity to expand your village!
  4. Local Events–the MeetUp app has lots of groups, based on your interests-go to the Meetup app, join, and put in your keywords such as “New Mom” or “Baby Groups”, and you can find local groups to meet other Moms!  You can also find events at your local library, in your local parenting magazines, at coffee shops, pretty much anywhere you go. It’s important that when you find an event, (for “just you” or for your whole family) that you dig deep for courage and introduce yourself to people. Ask questions! Get to know them and decide together when you will hang out next!
  5. Social (media) networking–Sometimes it is hard to get out in person when you have one or more little ones at home! Facebook has mom groups by state or sometimes by town. There are also some that are simply based on interests or gender of their children. If there is not one in your area, consider starting one. Invite the mom or two you know, who will invite the mom or two they know, and so on. Having a place to go for advice, venting, or just to have a crew you can talk to when you need it can go a long way.
  6. Virtual support group–Sometimes you just don’t feel yourself, and can’t get out of the house. There are lots of online support groups or people available to help you through tough seasons in your life. This can be especially helpful for parents with infants or who are finding it difficult to leave the house. Postpartum Support International hosts a weekly free online support groups for many parents struggling, with specific groups for military families, NICU parents. 
  7. Local Support Groups— When you don’t feel like yourself, and/or are dealing with fears, anxiety, and the challenges of being a mom, there are local support groups where you can go and talk about some of the real struggles of parenthood. Go to PSI-CT’s Support Group page for information about a free support group near you! 

No matter which route you take to expand your crew, remember that even when you are comparing yourself to the mom group working out at the park together with their strollers, or the ones who sip their lattes during story time (while you wipe spit up off of the hoodie you’ve had on for three days), every single one of them needs to lean on someone else at some point. None of us get a trophy for handling this parenthood journey alone. So find your village and lean on them!



 

 

Climbing Mountains to Support Families of Connecticut

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By Amanda Salvo

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Amanda Salvo is a homemaker, mother of two beautiful children. She serves as a Volunteer Facilitator for the Adjustment to Baby Challenges Support Circle of Southington, is a member of PSI-CT and a member of the PSI-CT Support Group Committee.

On June 23rd I participated in my first fundraising climb-the “Climb Out of the Darkness” climb benefitting the Connecticut Chapter of Postpartum Support International (PSI-CT).  There were three climbs throughout the state that day, and one climb in Fairfield County was postponed until July 14th due to thunderstorms. From our climb at Talcott Mountain in Simsbury, we raised over $3,000 to raise awareness and support for families struggling to overcome perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). While this may seem like a small amount, when it comes to battling a PMAD, any little amount helps.

I know, because I have needed help. As a new mom, five years ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression following the birth of my first child. At the time it was not something that I wanted to admit. Trying to tackle it independent of help only made things harder. Admitting I was suffering at the time to me was like admitting defeat; and being sucked into a category of being “crazy”. When I finally came to terms with myself and sought help through therapy and a support group like those which PSI-CT works hard to develop, I was finally able to beat it. With help I was well.  I realized that my own fears too in tackling this obstacle were tackling social stigmas. The enormous mountain of expectations and social criticisms that accompany motherhood and parenting soon became surmountable.

For more than two years now I have been running free support groups as a volunteer facilitator to help moms through the challenges, the good and the hard. I want moms and families everywhere to know that postpartum depression is temporary, and it doesn’t happen with every pregnancy, and things do get better!

This climb was for me symbolic of the struggles we face as parents and those who suffer terribly from a PMAD.  The Simsbury hike was categorized by avid hikers as an “easy climb”. But when you start the trek on the yellow path to the tower at the top it starts as a relatively steep incline. Hiking with my husband, five- year old daughter and six-month old in carrier, we very soon stopped to catch our breaths.  My daughter claimed that she was tired when we only just began. The two of us commenting on the steepness, best footing to reduce slippage on rocks, and how we wished we were a little more fit or a little more prepared for the exertion (for again an “easy climb”), only paralleled the conversations of so many people we heard along the way, including our fellow hikers. The more we cheered each other on and encouraged each other to get to the top “just a little more to go, you can do it”, “when you get to the top you will see the tower,” “we’re almost there,” the easier it became.  It really became easier, and as the rain lightly cooled us we were able to stop along the way to take in the view.

The payoff at the top was a tour of a beautiful historic home, an open sky (albeit a little wet at the time); and knowing that as a family we had made it. Surrounded by others who shared in the journey feels like a success. Moms and dads, kids, families, friends and strangers all hiked together for one cause. It is much like a parent’s life. You’re never fully prepared for the obstacles that pregnancy, delivery and parenthood bring. You have days when you are at the bottom of a mountain and getting to the top seems impossible, or days when you scale it with ease. For those who suffer from a PMAD, know that there is a light at the top of your great big mountain, and we are with you every step of the way.

You can still donate! Click the links below to donate and support PSI-CT supporting Connecticut perinatal families!

DONATE This Year to the Simsbury Team 

DONATE to the Mystic Team

DONATE to the Fairfield Team

DONATE to the Mansfield Team

Come As You Are: What Happens In a Perinatal Support Group?

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Annie Keating-Scherer, LCSW is the Support Group Committee Chairwoman of PSI-CT and is the co-founder of the Adjustment to Baby Challenges Support Circle, formerly the Blue Mamas group, in West Hartford, CT. Annie maintains a private therapy practice in West Hartford and is the mother of two wonderful little girls.

“This is a judgement-free zone,” we tell the women as they settle into their chairs. “It’s ALL in here.”  The pregnant and postpartum mamas, understandably, often seem a bit nervous at the start of their first support group, unaware of what to make of this hour together. My co-facilitator and I try to put them at ease as quickly as possible, to know that this is a safe place, one with very few expectations or rules, and one where we hope moms can truly be themselves. We encourage every mama to simply “come as you are.”

Coming together  

Twice a month, our perinatal support group serves as a gathering place where moms come together to share. We invite moms to recount, “the good, the bad and the UGLY,” as they discuss their personal experiences around motherhood, and to receive respect and acknowledgment for their individual journeys. Moms joining this group may be going through depression and anxiety in pregnancy or the postpartum period.  They may be sleep-deprived, worn out, feeling stressed or unsupported.  They may have been referred by their therapists or seen a flyer at the OB or the local library. There is no one unique challenge shared by the women in this group. Nor is there a specific path that leads them to the group. Yet, through our diversity in thought and experience, we create a mutually supportive community that is open to all.  

My co-facilitator and I hope moms can put their inner-critics on hold for this hour, or at least a few minutes of the hour. There is no expectation that anyone arrives on time, or changes out of pajamas. We invite breastfeeding and bottle-feeding. We invite diaper changing, and we certainly invite crying babies (and mamas). The group is a place for moms who need to talk and for moms who would rather sit back and listen, and though we would love it if women showed up to every group, it’s also totally okay to drop-in once in a while.

Confidentiality

Truly, one of our only rules is that what happens in this room stays in this room. We take confidentiality seriously, knowing the vulnerability and bravery it takes to show up. Moms sign a simple contract at the start of their first group acknowledging that they will keep to themselves the names, identities and stories in the room.  We think of this hour together as sacred space.
Feeling Understood: Someone else has been there!

It can feel so good to not feel alone. Motherhood can be a very isolating experience, whether being home alone with a baby, or around others but not feeling comfortable sharing true thoughts and feelings. One of the magical moments in a support group happens when a mom is talking and we see nodding around the room, or the verbal acknowledgment of, “Yes! I have been there.” Whether a mom is struggling with depression, feeding issues, pregnancy after loss, or any other issue she is often met with someone in group who gets it. As a facilitator, I see a weight lifting in these moments of solidarity.

Helping Others Helps Us

While group members are encouraged not to tell other moms what to do, or give outright advice (as we get enough “advice” outside of group), we do share what works for us individually. As a group member, it can feel downright awesome to tell another struggling mom that some form of self-care helped you feel better, or that you struggled and got through a similar challenge. I love watching a mom come back week-after-week and growing in her own self-confidence in motherhood. Perhaps in her first group she felt she was only able to receive support, but as time goes on, she is recognizing that she’s helping others through her own growth and healing.

Finding the Light

It may seem counterintuitive, but we laugh a lot.  Motherhood is hard but also hilarious. Hardly a group goes by that there isn’t an eruption of laughter over some shared baby or pregnancy moment.

It’s more-than-okay if a mom can’t get to laughter, though. It’s okay if she hasn’t smiled in a while. We welcome her no matter what. We want the group to be a safe place to land during the upheaval and identity changes that equal motherhood. Our group offers a time to slowly start to feel oneself again. It’s an honor to be part of that journey.